Navigating Christmas

Recently, I watched the Hallmark movie Navigating Christmas. Of course, there was the typical boy meets girl scenario. At first, they are at odds with one another, followed by falling in love, then they kiss and live happily ever after! I imagine you’ve all seen one (or fifty) of these. Oh, if only real life worked out that way. 

Navigating Christmas centered around a beautiful old lighthouse reminded me of one of my favorites in Cape Neddick, Maine. “The Nubble” was built in 1879 and has helped guide many sailors to safety for over 100 years. As we approach the start of the Christmas season, I thought many of us may need help and support guiding us to safety, just like the sailors moving through New England. 

Since my daughter died, I’ve needed a safe harbor more than ever before. Today, I find it by leaning into my faith, which has become my lighthouse. Although my strength comes from my personal relationship with Jesus, even those who are walking by faith, the grief journey can knock you completely off your feet. 

As everyone is celebrating the most “wonderful time of the year,” if you’ve found yourself searching for a place of safety, take a moment to just breathe. I encourage you to begin navigating grief with belief. I recently listened to a great podcast by Levi Lesko, who ten years ago lost his 5-year-old daughter only 5 days before Christmas. These are a few things he shared that resonated with me:

  • Be patient. Your heart will always be heavy, but you will get stronger in time. The heaviness is the same – you will evolve and get stronger!
  • Stick together. Don’t try to go it alone. Walk through this challenging time with your small group or friends/loved ones who believe in you.
  • Run towards the roar. Run towards what you want to run away from, even if it’s hard. 

Of course, we don’t want to run toward the thing that hurts the most. Levi shared a story of the first Christmas without his daughter, Lenya. Considering she died 5 days before Christmas, a holiday which they previously loved, began to take a heavy and dark turn. He didn’t want to put up lights until he started thinking about his faith. Jesus is the symbol of light, and the holiday is meant to celebrate and commemorate His birth and death, which leads toward His resurrection. All for us. 

Sometimes, we need to do hard things, and with God walking with us, we can do this.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years today since my book, “Beautifully Broken: Finding Hope During Loss” launched. This book was hard to write, and I did so only in obedience to what the Lord directed me to do. Although it tells the complex parts of my story, it is also filled with hope and restoration, which only Jesus can bring. If you need some encouragement and hope today consider picking up a copy of Beautifully Broken here. It may give you just what you need to help navigate Christmas this year. Love, Pat

Give a Little Kindness

There are times when I’m driving down the road I tend to get impatient. Have you ever found yourself running behind, and it’s at that exact moment when the person driving in front of you seems to be the slowest driver on planet Earth? This has happened to me more than once. However, since Melanie ran ahead to heaven, I began looking at things a little differently. Instead of getting frustrated, I feel like it’s God’s way of getting me to slow down. I almost hear him saying, “You have no idea what that person’s going through – give a little kindness.”

Now, that sure makes me take a pause. I remember the first time this ever happened. I began to wonder … maybe this person is just returning from the hospital where they left a loved one who is fighting for their life. Or, perhaps, they are the one who is sick, and it’s taking every ounce of energy they’ve got to drive.

Especially over the holidays, when everyone seems to be rushing here, there, and everywhere, let’s give a little kindness to those around us. Sometimes, it looks like we live in a dog-eat-dog world, but we have no idea what another person is going through.

Have you ever had someone snap at you for no reason? Your initial instinct may be to give it right back to them. But, if we take a moment, we might find that there is another underlying factor. Instead of a snippy answer in return, having compassion and empathy can turn things around.

If your life has been affected by loss, there have probably been days when you don’t want to deal with people at all. Perhaps you thought you’d already gone through all the stages of grief, and Bam, out of nowhere, you’re being pulled under the waves again.

Grief is messy like that. Often, something has happened in our lives that conjures up all those old feelings, and we are left reeling again. We can only control ourselves. If we meet someone going through a hard time, take a moment to step back and lend a helping hand.

Recently, our family received news of the unexpected death of one of my children’s friends. Sadly, the friend died by suicide. Unfortunately, she suffered from depression and had some mental health challenges which we weren’t aware of. Many friends have wondered how they could have helped – if only they’d known.

Often, when you’ve already suffered a traumatic loss, and another one occurs, this can conjure up all the old feelings of grief. During this time, we must offer love and support. If space is what is needed, then leave an open door to be there when they are ready to talk. Empathy goes a long way, as we can give a little kindness.


Thanksgiving and the Empty Chair

As this week begins all I can think about is how many of us will miss our loved ones on Thanksgiving and the empty chair facing us.

If you are among the many with an empty chair at the table this year, you are seen, heard, and understood here.

Grief is a challenging journey on a normal day, but when the holidays come around it becomes even more complicated.

As we approach Thanksgiving, many of us will look upon the empty chair at the table. The hole deep within our hearts will now be staring openly at us. Holidays are hard. If you are early on in your grief journey, you may wonder how you will get through the day.

The empty chair symbolizes remembrance of a loved one who is no longer with us. Some families even leave a place setting on the table in their honor. 

Read the rest here: The Empty Chair

Creating a Place for Love and Loss

How do we begin creating a place for love and loss when the loss is the most prominent thing we feel? When we experience the loss of a loved one, everything around us looks different. Our worlds are tilted, and we can’t seem to stand like we used to. All our minds can think about is who is not here with us and how different life is without our loved ones. It’s understandable. Our lives will never be the same.

Yet each morning, the sun continues to rise. It’s somewhere between the sun’s rising each day and the moon that comes up each evening that we slowly realize life moves forward.

Looking back, after Melanie died, I clearly remember feeling as if one of my limbs was missing. As mothers, we are the only ones who carry another person under our hearts for nine months. This is how God made us; there is a connection to our children like no other. I couldn’t imagine moving forward without my girl. My mind couldn’t fathom how there would never be another day on this earth when I wouldn’t hear her voice or have her here to celebrate a holiday or birthday.

Yet, as life has it, the days roll on, and we must find a way to bring them along with us. There comes a point along this grief journey where we need to make room for our loss. It’s probably one of the hardest things to do. Yet, we need to begin creating a place for love and loss.

Adjusting to loss is similar to that feeling you get when you’ve been at sea for several days; when you first step out of the boat, you have sea legs and feel off-balance. It may take a long while before we begin to get our sea legs out from under us. We need to give ourselves grace and be patient with the process. If we continue walking, step by step, we eventually start to regain our footing. 

When people think of grief, often it’s associated with weakness. However, grievers are formidable. Grief is one of the strongest emotions a person can ever have, and I’m confident that I’ve become stronger because of the loss. Leaning into my faith in God is what has sustained me through the darkest days I’ve ever known. Some of the strongest people I know are those who have loved and lost.

As we enter this holiday season, where loss becomes more pronounced, please remember that turning the page to the next chapter doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loved one. You can continue to move forward by honoring your memories of your loved one, and continue creating a place for loss and love without bearing the heaviness and weight of it all.

Hearts Especially Hurt Over the Holidays

Here in the United States, we are just a few short weeks away from celebrating Thanksgiving. If you’re grieving, you may be feeling anything but thankful. This time of year is challenging as our hearts especially hurt over the holidays. As we make plans to get together with family, you may feel pressured to smile and act like everything is fine when, inside, your heart is breaking.

When our loved ones run ahead to heaven, we miss them every day. Yet, there is something about the holidays, anniversaries, and all those other special days when the sadness and missing increases exponentially.

I’ve realized I don’t have to act a certain way or be someone I’m not. As we plan to gather together, none of us set out to be “Debbie-Downer,” but we also don’t have to paste on a fake smile to appease others. It’s disingenuous, and we deny our feelings to make those around us feel more comfortable. 

Since our hearts especially hurt over the holidays, what can we do? I would suggest doing something different this year: Let’s invite grief and gratitude to the table.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that grief and gratitude can co-exist. I can have both joy and sorrow in my heart simultaneously.

Instead of pretending as though everything is perfect and we are not thinking about our loved ones, we can invite both grief and gratitude to the Thanksgiving Day table. If there is a memory we want to share about a past Thanksgiving, we can do so without shame. Our loved ones may be gone from our sight, but not from our hearts. I hope our family and friends will feel comfortable mentioning their names. Hopefully, they will realize it doesn’t bring us sadness but instead brings us great joy to know they have not been forgotten.

Everyone will go through grief at some point in life. Grieving is normal. What I think is abnormal is acting as if my loved one isn’t in my heart and this is just another happy holiday.

Grief and gratitude are welcome here. We may shed a tear one moment and have a burst of laughter the next. This is normal. This is grief. 

Friends Are Friends Forever

Here we are a mere 72 hours after the shocking death of Matthew Perry. Did I know Matthew? No, not personally. Yet, when I woke during the early morning hours after his death, my heart was so saddened for his family. I know firsthand how devastated his parents are feeling. With his rise to fame in the popular sitcom Friends, many felt like he was their friend. As the hours passed, I began to think of the words to the song, Friends, by Michael W. Smith: “Friends are friends forever, if the Lord’s the Lord of them. And a friend will not say never because the welcome will not end. Though it’s hard to let you go in the father’s hand, we know that a lifetime is not too long to live as friends.” Matthew will always be everyone’s forever friend.

For those of us who have experienced loss, our hearts are sensitive to those who find themselves on the grief journey. Even if we never knew them, we can empathize with how others are feeling. Although most of us have never met Matthew, if you have ever lost a child, you understand how his parents are currently feeling. No matter what the circumstances of a child’s death, they will always be our babies. 

Matthew’s character, Chandler Bing, lifted the hearts of millions with his humor and quick wit. But he also knew this was not the most essential part of his life. Because of Friends, he knew he had a platform that could be used to influence and touch other’s lives. He became intentional to use it for good. 

As I read countless comments about him, one that touches my heart is a statement he made just one year ago when he described how he most wanted to be remembered: 

“When I die, I know people will talk about Friends, Friends, Friends. And I’m glad of that, happy I’ve done some solid work as an actor, as well as given people multiple chances to make fun of my struggles on the world wide web…But when I die, as far as my so-called accomplishments go, it would be nice if Friends were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people. I know it won’t happen, but it would be nice” ~ Matthew Perry.

As a person who struggled with the disease of addiction for decades, he wanted to be remembered for how he helped others who had the same disease. He founded the Perry House in Malibu, a sober living facility for men. It was those men who I thought of and lifted in prayer on Saturday morning when I heard the news. I could only imagine how they may be feeling due to the death of their friend who helped provide a hand-up.

Grief and loss will touch each of our lives regardless of social status, race, religion, or ethnicity. While we can be grateful that friends are friends forever, let’s lift those who are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Let’s pray that Matthew’s death doesn’t cause the men he longed to help to relapse. The disease of addiction brings with it a stigma, and just like Matthew Perry, I will continue to use the platform I’ve been given to do all possible to remove that stigma. Will you join me?

Matthew said, “God has never left me and I never gave up.” We should all take a page from his book. Let’s not make any assumptions about his death. Instead of judging, let’s take advantage of the opportunities here to support and love others as they walk this journey. 💜🫂💜


The Day When Death Will Be No More

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the following words in my heart: “How I long to breathe the air of heaven – where pain is gone, and mercy fills the streets.” They continued repeating until I finally sat up and wrote them down. When I got up for the day, I plugged the words into Google and discovered this line was from Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham, as he sang about the day when death will be no more. 

Wow, it made me think of Melanie. I don’t know about you, but do you wonder what your loved ones are doing in Heaven? Do you wonder what it’s like there? I do. I long for the day when death will be no more and we will all be together with our loved ones.

Since our knowledge about Heaven is relatively limited, I imagine what it might look like. Then, I try to envision what my daughter might be seeing or doing. I’ve noticed advertisements for a movie called, After Death, which is coming out in theaters at the end of this week. The movie is based upon one of the best books I’ve read since Melanie died, Imagine Heaven by John C. Burke. I’m looking forward to checking it out over the weekend.

As I contemplate the first few words of Hymn of Heaven that alone brings me a sense of peace and comfort. Knowing Melanie is in a place where pain is gone, and that she is fully healed from the awful disease that robbed her of a long life, helps me with her absence from this world. 

While continuing to listen, the next verse says, “There will be a day when death will be no more.” Can you take a moment to think about that, my friends? Our loved ones are living pain-free and in a place where mercy fills the streets – and one day, death will be no more. Which means we will finally all be together again. Now, that is a day I look forward to!

Death and grief are challenging journeys. Yet, we who remain here are here for a reason. One day, I hope to hear my girl say, “I saw you, Mama. You made the best of every day I’ve been gone. Honoring me and my memory, sharing love and hope despite your broken heart.” God isn’t done with us yet and until that day comes let us try to do all possible to live the best life we can until we can hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

I hope you’ll take a moment to listen to this song and let the encouraging words sink deep into your heart. We are doing our best, and our loved ones are cheering us on. 

Grief: Not Something to Rush Through

Have you noticed how the change of seasons impacts the heart? I’m not sure it has as much to do with the change of seasons as it does with the fact the change of seasons ushers in the holidays. It’s a time when all the world is “H-A-P-P-Y” and you may begin to feel forced into trying to feel that way, too. But, grief is not something to rush through.

As Summer begins to fade and Fall is upon us, I have always found that my heart begins to feel a bit low. My mother used to say, “I’m feeling a little blue today.” I guess that’s what I’m talking about. Just a sense of feeling a little down. Recently, I read a post by @griefandgrits that really spoke to my heart. I’d like to share it with you here today:

For a fleeting moment, I could feel a chill in the air. The beginnings of Fall. Pumpkins are everywhere. It’s the start of the “holiday season.”

As I wandered the aisles of a store, I spied the Christmas trees and decorations. I could feel my heart stir a bit, as I thought, how quickly we are asked to move through the holidays.

Whether ready or not, we are forced to look ahead. We haven’t moved through Halloween or Thanksgiving, and our hearts must find a way to jump toward what we might not yet be ready for.

Oh, how this reminds me so, of grief.

A grieving mind and body often feel frozen, as the rest of the world spins.

You may notice and even resent, that things keep moving when you can barely pull yourself up and out in the morning.

The evenings become increasingly more challenging, as they quickly begin to darken earlier and earlier.

You may be told…

• Move on.
• Get over it and get to the next “stage.”
• It’s been long enough.

Grief is not something to be rushed through. There is nowhere to get to.

Take your time.

Meander.

Journey.

Float.

Remember.

Feel.

While the words, the sights, the sounds, and smells may be pushing your heart to move along, I hope you will hold your heart gently, right where it is, now.

~Reposted with permission by @GriefandGrits

I hope these words give you permission to feel what you are feeling. Remember, grief is not something to rush through. The world may be running ahead into the beginning of the holidays, but I encourage you to go at your own pace – whatever that is.

Change is the One Constant in Life

When a loss occurs, we feel its impact in every way. All that was once normal is no longer. Life as we knew it will never be the same again, and change is the one constant in life whether we like it or not. 

Since Melanie ran ahead to heaven, I find that I’m a lot more averse to change. I used to be able to go with the flow – change was no big deal, but not so much anymore. I’m sure this is part of the fallout of being impacted by a traumatic and unexpected death. Have you found that you don’t handle change in quite the same way since experiencing loss? I try to keep change to a minimum, which I know is my way of being in control. 

It’s good to remember that not all change is bad. However, even though change is the one constant in life, it doesn’t mean we will never have joy. There is a place where joy and sorrow will eventually live side by side. 

We are all made so differently, aren’t we? I have several friends whom I fondly refer to as the “fly by the seat of my pants” friends. They know who they are, and I love that they can go with the flow of change. Nothing ruffles them. Some days, I wish I were more like them. 

But God made me differently. I’m a planner. No flying by the seat of this girl’s pants! I’m not rigid and will leave room for spontaneity, but my comfort zone is having a general plan and schedule. 

For most of 2023, I have been praying about making some major changes in my life. Since this isn’t my comfort zone, I’ve had plenty of time to anticipate some of these upcoming changes and even feel some of their impact.

After 14 years of working at an incredible company, I have decided to retire. Today is my last day. Choosing to do so wasn’t done lightly. As I’ve prayed about this for months, it further cemented the fact that change is the one constant in life. 

Since Melanie’s death, change that explicitly involves saying goodbye to people has been difficult for me. Just thinking about it brings me to tears, but with the tears is confidence in knowing it’s time. Even when we know it’s the right thing to do, emotions still run high and that’s okay. 

Yes, change is the one constant in life, but if we give it over to the Lord, the Holy Spirit will guide us, comfort us, and reassure us of our path. When it’s right, we know it. 

All the changes I’ve walked through in the grief journey have helped prepare me for this day. Today, I’m grateful for change. I leave behind such beautiful memories and a grateful heart for working with amazing people, making lifelong friends, and being thankful for all the blessings in my life. I look forward to the new journey God has set before me.

Protect Your Heart While You Grieve

It’s been a few years since I’ve written about self-care (Self Care or Selfish), but it remains an integral part in helping walk through the grief journey. Recently, I’ve been thinking that no matter how much time goes by, it’s still so important to protect your heart while you grieve. 

As the season changes from Summer to Fall, a bit of melancholy has tried to settle into my spirit. I love the Fall. It’s my favorite season, and it was Melanie’s favorite season, too. But, somewhere deep within my heart, the change reminds me that another year is going by and she isn’t here to enjoy it. Oh, I’m sure the Fall colors in Heaven are vivid and vibrant – so much more so than my mind can imagine, but while this mama is still on Earth, I miss my girl.

Protecting your heart while you grieve is critical to healing, regardless of the number of seasons that pass by. It’s easy to get mired down in the memories of what once was and never make our way out of the quagmire.

While holding on to our memories is comforting, they can often bring a sense of sadness, too. There is a balance somewhere in between, but it takes time to get there. So, what can you do to protect your heart while you grieve?

There are still some basic things that can help, like getting enough sleep and exercising. But truth be told, when you’re grieving, sleeping is often difficult—and exercising? It’s often last on my list of things I want to do. I’m just keeping it real here. What about all the other responsibilities we have? We often we put ourselves last and don’t consider our own needs.

Self-care has seven pillars: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, recreational, social, and environmental. Since we are all different, perhaps some of the following things I’ve found helpful may resonate with you:

• Quiet Time / Praying
• Journaling
• Eating healthy meals and hydrating
• Confiding in a close friend or family member
• Grief Counseling

Although grief is very personal, we can’t easily do it alone. Even if you meet with a trusted friend for coffee, I encourage you not to try to do this by yourself. We can support one another through both the good times and hard times.

As you walk this road there will be those who are better able to provide the emotional support you need and others who cannot deal with grief. It’s common to find that those you may be closest to are not the ones who will support you on this journey. It’s not because they don’t care – it’s because they don’t understand grief. I encourage you to give grace and understanding to those people and lean into the ones who have been on this journey themselves. 

Lifting you up and praying for continued peace and comfort, trusting that God will do as He has promised…

Searching for Meaning in Grief

If I’m being honest there are some days, when I’m simply exhausted by talking about grief. Oh, how I’d like to talk and write about something light and uplifting. Then, with my very next heartbeat, I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is how God is making beauty from ashes, and although not a journey I would have chosen, it’s where I’ve been planted. No parent chooses for their child to die before them but when it does happen, we are left searching for meaning in grief.

As time has moved forward have you wondered where you’re supposed to go from here? We don’t want our loved ones to be forgotten, nor do we want their deaths to be in vain. So, what does it mean to be searching for meaning in grief, and where do we find it? 

Meaning is different for each of us. When my heart was shattered into a million pieces I longed for connection. During that time, God continued to hold me close. Even in the middle of the hiccupping and sobbing, it was my faith that sustained me. Deep inside I knew this could not be the end – there had to be more to Melanie’s life and death than this. I found my meaning in grief when I began blogging to share with others who were on the same path.

Soon after I was led to write my book, Beautifully Broken Finding Hope During Loss. Even though I shared things about my life I would rather have kept private, I’ve heard from so very many how this book has been a lifeline for them. In the end, if sharing my story touches one heart and gives even one person hope during loss, then it’s all worth it. I will continue writing and blogging until God directs me to do something else.

I know many of you want to find meaning in your grief. Recently I read David Kessler’s book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. I found it very helpful and would highly recommend it. One of the things he shared is, “Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you are moving forward with your life. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop missing the one you loved, but it does mean you will experience a heightened awareness of how precious life is.”

Following are some of the insights I gleaned from the book that stuck out to me:
• Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss.
• Refuse to allow the death of your loved one to be meaningless or to make your life meaningless.
• Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow.
• Meaning is a reflection of the love we have for those we have lost. Meaning is the sixth stage of grief, the stage where the healing often resides.

My dear friend, Elaine Mitrano, lost her son Michael 12 years ago. A few years ago, she began “The Backpack Project, which has now become, Hope For Boston’s Homeless. When Elaine started this project, she was working out of her living room, and people would drop off gently used clothes, along with personal items on her doorstep. Each month she would fill backpacks for the homeless and deliver them to one of the hardest-hit areas in Boston. What started with 30 backpacks has now grown to 100 backpacks a month! What an amazing way to find meaning in grief!

Another friend, Cheryl Juaire, founded Team Sharing, a group which offers support to parents who have lost children due to the disease of addiction. There are chapters located throughout the U.S. which provide online and in-person support. She is a fierce advocate with local and state legislators and is committed to fighting the stigma of addiction so this doesn’t happen to one more family.

These are just a couple examples of what some have done. As you are searching for meaning in grief don’t be discouraged. It doesn’t have to be something epic or off-the-charts. Each of us has a path and I believe God will direct each one of us to where we need to be.

Grievers are Survivors

When we think of those who are grieving, we tend to lean more toward the negative. After all, what do grief and loss bring? Intense sadness, anxiety, depression, fear, and even anger. But hold on. If we take a moment to look closely at a person who is walking the grief journey, I believe we would see something else. We would see someone who perseveres, is courageous, strong, and highly compassionate. Even when we are down, we will not give up. Grievers are survivors!  

According to Webster, a survivor is a person regarded as resilient or courageous enough to overcome hardship and misfortune; a person who has survived an ordeal.

Death and loss certainly qualify as an ordeal. Today, you may not feel like you’re a survivor of anything, but I encourage you to be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself all the time you need. One day, you’ll wake up, and that overwhelming heaviness you once felt will be slightly lighter. In the days when you had no hope and only saw darkness, light will begin to seep through the cracks. 

Following are some attributes that show how grievers are survivors. We never see ourselves as others see us. Read on and perhaps you’ll see yourself in these examples:
• You keep getting back up every time life knocks you down.
• You do what needs to be done no matter how you feel.
• You are the kind of person who would get up in the middle of the night to help a friend.
• You see what needs to be done, and you do it.
• You go above and beyond what is expected.
• You are resourceful and creative because you’ve had to be.

One of the ways that has helped me become a survivor is that I include my daughter in so many things. I live for her and remember her in the various things I do every day. While it’s often done with a tear and a hint of sadness, there is also joy in the memories where we continue to keep her alive. 

On the days when you feel more like a dishrag than a survivor, hand it all over to God. He’s the one who can calm the uneasiness and unrest in your heart. When this mama’s heart is wrestling with my girl no longer being on this earth, He reminds me this isn’t our home. One day, he will wipe every tear from our eyes, and we will all be together again. (Revelation 21:4)

The Faithfulness of God During Hard Times

We often turn our anger toward God when we walk through grief and other challenging moments. When a loved one dies, it’s normal to question the faithfulness of God during hard times. After all, how could a good and faithful God have allowed this bad thing to happen to you and your family?

If you’re angry with Him right now because of where you find yourself, take a moment to read on. Who knows, maybe something in the next couple of paragraphs will be what you need to help soothe a little of the brokenness in your heart.

Over the weekend, I sat outside listening to the waterfall as the wind rustled through the trees. I thought it wasn’t that many years ago when I sat in this chair with my heart shattered into a million pieces, wondering where God was. I had been trying to understand how a loving, faithful God could allow this bad thing to happen to me.

As I sat there thinking back, a friend texted and asked if I had heard the song Faithfully by Toby Mac. I immediately responded that I had. She kindly replied, “I just heard it, and it made me think of you.” Someone had sent me his album, Life After Death, and this was one of the featured songs. It had been a while, so I pulled it up on YouTube and let the words sink into my spirit: 

It’s been a long year; it almost took me down I swear
Life was so good, I’m not so sure we knew what we had
I’ll never be the same man, I’ll never feel like I felt before
It’s been a hard year, it almost took me down, I swear

But when we my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to you Jesus
You made a way for me

I may never be the same man
But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to you Jesus
You were there faithfully

I’ve had a hard time, finding the blue in the skies above me
And if I’m keeping it real, I’ve been half fakin’ the happy they said
I may look like the same man, but I’m half the man I was
It’s been a hard year it almost took me down

In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said you’d never leave, and You stood by Your word

So quietly, so gently
And all my pain, You met me
You said you’ll never leave, and You stood by Your word

After listening, I thought about how loving and faithful God is! When you’re smack dab in the middle of the heaviness, it’s often hard to see God’s loving hand touching your life. But then, as time passes, little things begin to come together. In my quiet time, I would hear His voice and feel His hand guiding and moving me in ways that could only be Him.

Not so long ago, I read some encouraging words from Rick Warren, whose son died by suicide. This man, a pastor to over 10,000, had the same questions as we do. He said:

God gives you the hope of heaven.
If you believe in and trust Jesus Christ for salvation, then you will spend eternity in heaven with God—and that hope will sustain you through your time of loss. The Bible says, “We don’t want you to be ignorant about those who have died. We don’t want you to grieve like other people who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13 GW).

God uses your pain to help others.
This is called redemptive pain, and it is the highest and best use of your pain. “[God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT).

Although I may never understand the “why” behind how my life has unfolded, and I may not initially see the faithfulness of God during the hard times, I will continue to trust Him with my whole heart. I hope that I can provide some level of comfort to others in the same way God provided His comfort to me.

The Road from Grief to Peace and Acceptance

As I continue to meet others on this grief journey one of the most common questions I get is, “How long will grief last?” That seems to be the million-dollar question. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a definitive answer? Instead of being a one-size-fits-all, the road from grief to peace and acceptance differs for all of us.

If others recognized that each person grieves in their own way and time frame, this may pave the way for acceptance. No one would feel any pressure to get through it quickly. Nor would anyone feel shame or guilt if they haven’t processed their grief like others imagine they should. 

How many of us have had someone tell us we should be over it by now? I know I had someone tell me this at the 7-month mark after Melanie ran ahead to heaven. It was like a slap in the face. I’m thankful for grace and understanding because even during my grief, I knew they had no clue what it was like to lose a child. And, for their sake, I’m glad they don’t.

We would all agree that navigating the choppy waters of grief can be very challenging. Grief affects many things – marriages, siblings, the change to the entire family dynamic, and a feeling of helplessness, especially in the early days. 

Yet, as time progresses, my hope and prayer for each of us is that we can find that the road from grief to peace and acceptance is possible. 

While we are still here on this earth, we have the opportunity to make an impact on the lives of others. We can share our testimony of where we’ve been and how God has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death. 

As we move beyond the valley into a place of peace and acceptance, we must realize that we are not leaving our loved ones behind. But instead, we are moving forward in their honor and memory, taking them with us along every step. There is hope during loss!

It reminds me of the scripture in Ecclesiastes 3:   

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

Something to think about – may you begin to allow your heart to be healed as you move along this journey, and may you laugh and dance again one day. 

International Overdose Awareness Day

Today is International Overdose Awareness Day. Each year on this day I create a special post specifically dedicated to honor the memory of all those who were lost to overdose and the parents who are grieving them.

My daughter, Melanie lost her life to the disease of addiction in 2020. Prior to that I never knew such a day existed. Sadly, this is the 4th year I have been a member of a group that no one ever asks to join.

If you have not had this disease touch your life directly I imagine you know someone who has. Regardless of the way your loved one died, grief is still grief, and loss is loss. We all hurt the same and miss our loved ones.

Please know that if you have lost a loved one due to an overdose, I see you and I care.

Today, I want to bring awareness to what is an often-overlooked disease in our country.

Did you know that Substance Use Disorder is in fact an actual disease?

Are you aware that the disease of addiction touches people of all backgrounds, despite race, religion, education, or social class?

People from all walks of life have suffered from substance abuse or known someone who has.

People who suffer from substance abuse are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends to many. It is up to us to make strides to reduce the stigma associated with substance abuse and bring about education and healing.

I’ve watched the videos, looked at hundreds of photos, and read countless heartbreaking stories of love, loss and grief. Today many will post pictures of our loved ones on social media, fly beautiful purple balloons from our homes, porches will be filled with beautifully hand-painted chairs, candles will be lit and in some states flags will fly at half-staff.

You are stronger than you think and I am in awe of each of you.

Sending each of you much love and prayers that this disease will be recognized for what it is, and in the days to come awareness and support will be provided to help others.

Melanie’s Meadow

Walking Through the Wilderness

When our hearts are sorrowful, it can sometimes feel like we are walking through the wilderness. However, if you’ve ever gone hiking, walking through the wilderness can often bring a sense of peace.  

As we walk along the path, there is beauty that surrounds us. Often times those walks bring a sense of calm and serenity. We may need this if our hearts are broken and searching for healing. Instead of the wilderness being a dark place, it can be a place where we find direction, solitude, and inspiration.

As an introvert, quiet places are actually energizing for me. We live near a lake that has beautiful walking trails winding through the woods that follow the lake shore. There have been many times when my heart has been heavy, and after walking there, I feel lighter, stronger.  

The wilderness can also be a sacred place. It’s also on those walks where I can hear from my Heavenly Father. I can feel his peace surrounding me, and without the distractions of other things, He can minister to my heart. Something I could not previously see or hear becomes more apparent and visible to me.  

As one grieves, there can be a dark, lonely, and isolating period of walking in the wilderness. Can you imagine what it must have been like to be Moses as he led the Israelites through the wilderness for 40 long years?

God uses these times to teach us things as He takes us toward something better. From a spiritual perspective, being in the wilderness can be a time of renewal or an encounter with God, like Moses and the burning bush.  

When we come face-to-face with sorrow and suffering, we can wonder where God is and why he allows certain things to happen to us. Or we can choose to see that He will use whatever challenges we are facing for His good and what He wants to do in our life story. As we walk this road may we trust in The One who can make all things new.

Elvis and My Dad

On Tuesday afternoon, August 16, 1977, I was walking down the street with my portable transistor radio listening to the latest disco music. Then all of a sudden, the newscaster broke through and announced that Elvis Presley had died. I can still clearly remember having an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I couldn’t believe that the King of Rock and Roll was dead at 42, leaving behind a young daughter. Little did I know then that from that day forward Elvis and my dad would be connected.

Exactly one week later (almost to the minute), on Tuesday afternoon, August 23, 1977, as I returned home from a carefree afternoon of shopping in downtown Boston, my dad was killed in a car accident. 

Sure, Elvis and my dad were as far as the East is from the West, but they both had more than a few of things in common: they both joined the Army and served their country, were incredibly generous men, each fought addictions, and they both died way too young, leaving behind young daughters.  

The trajectory of my life changed that day. Here we are 46 years later, and it remains a time I vividly remember.

Grief and loss follow us through life. As we grow older and time passes by, the sharpness of the grief may ease but the memories still remain. As we move forward, it helps when we choose to do so with positivity and hope. We take our loved ones with us wherever we go.

We can never truly lose the people we deeply love. They live on in our hearts and minds forever. When we are grieving, each day may bring with it some sort of battle, but one day we will learn to accept and live our best life for them.

Yes, there are certain times in life we never forget. Continue reading here: Times In Life We Never Forget.  

Loss, Trauma, and Catastrophizing

If you’ve been walking this grief journey for any length of time, you are well acquainted with grief. But are you familiar with catastrophizing? Loss, trauma, and catastrophizing frequently go hand-in-hand for many of us who have lost a loved one.   

Until recently, I had never heard the phrase used in this context, but once explained, I could understand and relate to it personally.   

Since your loved one ran ahead to Heaven, do you often feel as though another catastrophe is just around the corner? Do you often feel as if another bad thing will happen any minute? This is catastrophizing.   

Grief expert, David Kessler, posted a video where he admitted to being a card-carrying catastrophizer. As he began to talk, I saw myself in every word. Oh, I hate to admit that I am also one, but it also helps to know I am not alone.   

If you’re still unsure what this is, catastrophizing is when we assume the worst will happen when nothing is really wrong.   

For those of us who catastrophize, we have often seen or experienced a catastrophe – a death, trauma, addiction, and children of alcoholics often find themselves in this place.   

It was reassuring to hear that even medical and mental health professionals often find themselves catastrophizing. If we’ve seen something traumatic, we are left with “catastro-vision.”   

A great example is, “I don’t ever have a headache. I have a brain tumor.” You automatically shift your thoughts to the final scenario which typically always end with a negative result.  

I have been very open in sharing that my father died in a car accident when I was a teenager. Then, my daughter died unexpectedly. It’s easy for me to slip back into the past and what I went through then. If I don’t take control over those thoughts I can easily end up in an anxiety-fueled state.

Here are a few tips on how we can help ourselves manage these moments:  

• Tell your mind nothing has actually gone wrong. Tell yourself that if and when there is a trauma, you will show up for it at that time.
• Find ways to calm yourself down. Do something different. Read, watch television, pray, listen to music, go for a walk.
• Reach out to someone you trust who isn’t going to catastrophize with you.
• Train your mind to think about the best scenario.

I know there will be times when this is easier said than done. But, I hope by sharing this information you no longer feel like you’re the only one. Catastrophizing is common for those who have experienced loss and trauma. Hold on and don’t give up. Wishing you all a peaceful week!

Lessons in Grief

During this time of year, many of us are sending our children back to school. Please tell me, where did the summer go? Time truly is moving by much too fast.

I’m sitting here wondering how it is that we are sending our youngest off to his first year of high school tomorrow. Wasn’t it just yesterday when I walked him hand-in-hand into kindergarten?

Everyone keeps telling me how quickly the next four years will fly by. I don’t doubt this. When I think about it, it’s been almost 4 years since I went Back To School. After Melanie ran ahead to heaven, there were so many hard lessons I had yet to learn. As the first day of school approaches, I thought I’d share the top 10 lessons I’ve learned in grief so far: 

• No one grieves the same.
• There is no definitive period of time for grieving.
• My faith is the absolute cornerstone for all that holds me together.
• It is normal to be laughing one moment and crying the next.
• When life begins moving forward, I am not leaving my loved one behind.
• Life can change in an instant. Forgive quickly and love fiercely.
• Your priorities in life take a dramatic shift. We no longer sweat the small stuff.
• Do not expect others to heal your heart and brokenness. Only God can do that.
• I will never be the same person I was before.
• We never really recover from grief; we learn how to live our lives as best we can around the missing piece of our heart.

Grief is one of the most challenging journeys we will walk, but there IS hope during loss. Even if you can’t see or feel it now, hang on because it gets better.

Of all the lessons in grief I’ve learned, music remains a significant part of my healing as I walk this long journey. The songs I listen to continue to help ease the sadness I carry. But tears are part of our healing. We must learn to embrace them and not be embarrassed or ashamed. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book (NLT)  Psalm 56:8.

Today I woke up with this song on my heart and want to share it with you. I’ve captured part of the chorus below that resonated with me. I hope it touches your heart and reminds you that no matter how you may feel, you are never alone.

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found

Carrying Our Bag of Sorrows

As we go through life, we carry many things with us – memories of our first loves, the day we got married, the births of our children, overall life experiences – both happy and sad. Inevitably, we also carry the hurts and losses – deaths of loved ones, broken relationships, job loss, wayward children. The list can go on and on. Whether it’s intentional or not, we begin carrying our bag of sorrows.   

It becomes a place where all the losses and disappointments in life get tucked away. One day you turn around, and you feel the overwhelming heaviness of that bag. The darkness comes upon you because you’ve allowed that bag of sorrows to overtake you.   

You wake up, and without realizing it, you feel heavier. Your heart is no longer as light, happy, or fulfilled as it once was. You stop doing the things you once loved and become grumpy and snippy to those you claim to love.   

Relationships that were once so important have been pushed to the side. You avoid those closest to you, no longer reaching out but running in the other direction. Instead of seeing love, care, and support, you now seem to view things through a darkened lens caused by the unhappiness in your world.    

This is all part of the grief journey and the deep disappointments that have affected your life. Understandably, these hurts can change a person. As a mother who has lost a child, it’s often been said that we are never the same person we once were. True, but I also don’t want my heart hardened to the point where I’m pushing away all the happiness and joy life can offer. We are still here, and God isn’t finished with us yet.   

We can allow the darkness to overtake us and carry our bag of sorrows around like a medal of honor. Or we can begin to allow God to heal our hearts and let the joy of the Lord be our strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) Instead of avoiding that person, reach out and call them. Make a date for a cup of coffee. Take a chance – be vulnerable and share your heart and how you’ve been feeling. Then move forward, taking all the good with you.

Many years ago I lost one of my best friends to ovarian cancer. Within 90 days of her diagnosis, she was gone. This wicked disease was swift and brutal. She was like a sister to me, and I was devastated. However, one of the things I remember most as I stood there in her hospital room, one hour before she ran ahead to heaven, was a song that came on the television. It was Michael W. Smith sitting at a piano singing a song I’d never heard –Friends. Suddenly, as I began to really hear the words I realized it was a beautiful gift God was giving me.

“But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone
‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
‘Cause the welcome will not end.
Though it’s hard to let you go in the Father’s hands, we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

Friends, instead of carrying our bag of sorrows around, let’s consider laying them aside. I hope you’ll take a moment to listen to this song and let God begin to heal the brokenness within. If you have suffered any loss, don’t try to get your arms around it. Let God get His arms around you. He knows you’re suffering and will give you the comfort of His presence and the healing balm of His love.