I bumped into an old coworker I hadn’t seen in a long time. We began talking, and she told me about a relative who had suffered child loss. The loss had occurred over 30 years ago, and she was deeply concerned that her relative had not yet moved on. When she said this, she immediately admitted she wasn’t even sure this phrase was correct. Was it moving on or moving forward? And is either one possible?
We sat together and had a very meaningful conversation about loss. It’s so hard for those who love us to understand what it’s genuinely like to suffer the loss of a child. If you’ve never had this experience – and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone – it’s unlike any other loss. Death of any kind is brutal, but as I’ve said many times, child loss is a loss like no other. It’s an out-of-order death, and parents are not meant to outlive their children.
So, in the end, is it moving on or moving forward? We can and do move forward in life. However, we don’t move on. We may begin to rebuild our lives around the loss, taking our grief with us wherever we go. Moving forward or moving on may seem like a play on words to some, but it truly is very different.
In a previous post, I wrote about the 3 C’s of grief: Choose, Connect, and Communicate. I think some of it bears sharing again.
For those who are on this road called grief, there are some things we can begin doing to help ourselves. We can start practicing the 3 C’s of grief: Choose, Connect, and Communicate.
Choose – we get to choose what is best for us. Often when we have lost a loved one, grief brings a sense of loss of control. We may feel as if we have to accept all that life has thrown at us and with no choice of our own. This is far from the truth. Even when our hearts are heavy and burdened, and we can barely shower, we still possess the dignity of choice. Grief brain is a real thing, and if you find that your brain is muddied and cloudy and you really can’t think clearly, engage the help of a close friend or family member. It’s okay to gain insight from someone who cares about you and has your best interest in mind. You still have the final say and can choose what is best for you as you navigate this journey.
Connect – Grief in and of itself can be very isolating and exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Whether you are a total introvert and usually enjoy your own company, remaining connected with people during this challenging time is crucial to our mind and well-being. As you walk the grief journey, staying connected to those who love you and supporting the place you’re in right now is essential. Although no one can fix your grief, just having another person present, without saying a word, can help immeasurably. We are not meant to do this life alone.
Communicate – Communicating and sharing openly and honestly about your needs and what works best for you right now will help your friends and family know how best to come alongside you. During those moments when we break down and the tears, fears, and anger come communicating with your support system will help you begin to heal.
Although it’s not only natural during the grieving process and relatively normal, one of the worst things we can do is isolate ourselves or wear a mask, acting like everything is fine. We must try our best to communicate and be transparent about our feelings.
Grief is hard. Just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean you’re a burden to those around you. If we don’t communicate how we feel and what we need, our family and friends won’t know what is best for us. We all handle grief differently – in our own time and in our own way.
We are navigating a road that doesn’t have GPS guidance. We must find our way and do what’s best for us. We just don’t have to do it alone. You are seen, heard and understood here. Please reach out if you need an ear to hear – Pat