My Dear Melanie,
Two years ago today you ran ahead to heaven. It seems like a minute and an eternity all at the same time.
Some have asked if it has become easier over time. I hesitate for only a moment, because truly how does it get easier when you lose a child? It never does and never will. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart which can only be filled by you.
Yet, my heart is not torn wide open in the same way as it was 730 days ago when it felt like a grenade had exploded within my chest. But God…
Without my faith and knowing you are safe in Heaven, I would never have made it this far. But God … He is the reason. He is my hope, my rock, my strength in the midst of the worst battle I’ve ever been in.
My heart has changed in so many ways and I will never be the same person I was before. This is grief, my sweet girl.
Recently, it dawned on me, that even though you didn’t lose a child to death, you did suffer the loss of a child. You experienced your own grief, so you have an inkling of how I feel. There was always a hole in your heart for your own children.
Mel, we talk about you all the time. All the fun times, the goofy times. Every time we make a pound of bacon we know you’re there wishing you could have just one piece, or 10! Every time Dad sees a dead squirrel on the road we know you must have been close by. Every time I see a nice-looking pair of Nike’s I hear you whispering in my ear “Buy them, Mom! They are soooo pretty!” Every time I brush my hair and that one little spot where the cowlick separates making it look like I’ve got a bald spot, I think of you! You were the only one who would tell me and fix it! When we are dancing around the house, I know you’re laughing your head off because you had the rhythm in the family and could really shake your groove thing! I even recently watched When Stella Got Her Groove Back all because of you!
Since we constantly keep your memory alive it still doesn’t seem real that you are gone from us. I feel you with me each and every day and carry you with me in my heart. No matter that Heaven and Earth separates us, you will always be my girl and I will always be your Momma.
As the day unfolds I will do my best to remember how you lived and not how your died. You are my Beautifully Broken girl, who is now whole and healed. I pray you are proud of how we are honoring you. Your life will not be in vain, my sweet girl. I will share your story and know that God will use it to make a difference in the hearts and lives of others.
As the song, Scars in Heaven says, “There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you
You live on in all the better parts of me. Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run. Until I finally see what you can see“