I won’t ask you for reasons … I don’t need all the answers. These were the words from a song in the night (Job 35:10) that I found myself tapping into my phone at 2:30 this morning. When I got up and plugged them into YouTube up popped the song, Remind Me You’re Here, by Jason Gray. As I hit play and let the words seep into my spirit it was just like someone was reading my mail, and you know what? Someone was. His name is Jesus.
It’s been a tough week, my friends. I’m just being real here. My husband had some medical issues crop up. Nothing life threatening yet I found my anxiety going through the roof. Since Melanie went on to heaven, I discovered that my stress level is high and my tolerance for things is very low. The things I used to take in stride have now become like mountains instead of molehills.
If you’re walking this grief journey, then you know how fragile life is and how it can change in the blink of an eye. (If you haven’t read my post In the Blink of An Eye, check it out here.) I wasn’t expecting my daughter to die, yet here I am, part of a group no one ever wants to join. As I thought about my husband’s medical situation my thoughts took me back to the day Melanie died. I spent 1.5 hrs. on the phone as it was passed from one police officer to another before they could confirm it was my daughter they found. Praying. Hoping against hope it would not be true even though in my gut I knew. The Holy Spirit was preparing me for the inevitable words I would soon hear, “This is the medical examiner, are you the mother of Melanie…”
A non-life-threatening medical situation and this is where I found myself. Back there. Reliving every horrific word and moment. Pictures in my mind that cannot be erased. Walking this grief journey is no joke and as much I wish it weren’t true, no amount of time will ever make it completely disappear.
No, these memories won’t ever go away, but I’ve also found something else that will never go away. Not.For.ONE.Moment. My faith in the Lord. Even during those first dark, devastating hours the one thing I felt more than the overwhelming sadness and disbelief that my girl was gone from this earth was the holy presence of my Heavenly Father. I felt His arms wrapped around me in a way I had never, ever felt before. They lifted me up and held me close. It made me realize that God isn’t just in the high places, like Heaven. He is in the low, dark places. He is on the ground with us. Weeping. Hugging. Holding and lifting us up in His arms. I could never have made it this far without Him and without my faith in Him. I still don’t have any answers to the “Why now, God?” but I trust him with my whole heart even when I can’t see Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6).
When God dropped the words to this song in my heart it only further confirmed how close He truly is. He continues to be my Comforter, Encourager and Healer. I hope you will take a few moments to listen and allow Him to remind you that he is here.
And I won’t ask you for reasons
‘Cause the reason can’t wipe away tears
No, I don’t need all the answers
Just be here beside me
Father, remind me you’re here