The Lonely Walk

Have you ever felt lonely? Have you ever looked around you and felt totally alone even though you may be surrounded by people? According to Websters dictionary the meaning of lonely is: standing apart, isolated, solitary, destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship. This is the kind of lonely I’m referring to.  As the months have gone by since Melanie’s death, I began to feel more alone with each passing day.  How could that be? I live in a home with a loving, supportive, attentive husband and an amazing and energetic son.  I certainly wasn’t alone and didn’t think I should be feeling lonely.  In fact, because of Covid I was never alone – something I desperately missed!!  Although some may challenge this statement (wink-wink), I am an introvert.  I’m perfectly fine with my alone time and draw energy from it.  Unfortunately, due to Covid, we are like all the many other families who find ourselves sequestered at home, teaching school and being together every moment.  How could I possibly feel alone or lonely??

A couple of months ago this feeling began to settle deep into my heart. I realized that I was beginning to feel terribly alone on this grief journey.  Even though I have well-meaning friends who would call or text to check on me, there was oftentimes an awkwardness surrounding the conversation.  Some people didn’t dare broach the subject that my daughter had recently died or ask how I was doing, and even as the weeks wore on many wouldn’t even mention her name, as if she never existed.  Some conversations went something like this: “Hey there!  What’s happening? How’s Cameron doing with online learning?  Any new recipes you’re trying? Gee, have you thought of any new games or ideas for the kids besides video gaming?”  They asked about everything except the one thing that consumed me – the state of my heart and how I was really feeling!  It was as if life had just gone back to normal, and for them, it had.  For me, I had barely begun walking that long road back to whatever my new normal might be.  It’s a long, dark road and I had barely left the driveway yet everyone else acted as though everything was fine.

Loneliness was not a feeling I was familiar with and this grief journey truly can be a very solitary road. Now, this isn’t a woe-is-me statement, but just reality.  When you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s hard to understand unless you’ve walked in that person’s shoes.  Before Melanie died, I thought I understood grief and loss. I thought I was sympathetic and supportive.  I’ve come to find out that it’s such a personal journey and is very different with each of us. Even with a great support system there will be times that no one person on this earth can fill the void and hurt that has come from your loss. 

One afternoon I was sitting outside trying to let the warmth of the sun fill what felt cold and dead inside of me.  It was there on my deck that I began to cry out to God telling him how lonely I felt. I didn’t know how I was going to fill the void that was left behind by no longer having my daughter in my life.  I simply shared my heart out there with my Heavenly Father, who already knows what we’re feeling before we even speak it.  A couple of weeks later I woke up with a song on my heart.  The words were strange and unfamiliar to me as I had never heard them before: “Don’t hang your head. You’ve got my love, love, love”.  What?!?  What the heck does that mean??  It didn’t even sound like a complete thought or sentence! I got up and ran downstairs to see my best friend, Google!  As I punched these words into the Search bar up popped several options with the first one being a song called, Love, by We Are Messengers.  I still wasn’t sure if this was what God meant for me to listen to but as I began to play it, I realized immediately the words were meant for me! 

Everybody hurts sometimes I know that’s what they say
But right now it seems this loneliness won’t go away
Can anybody feel this heart ache?
Is anyone around?

Don’t hang your head when you get lonely
No, I’ll never leave your side
And don’t go thinking you’re the only
One that can’t get it right
Yeah you’ve got my love love love love
Down in your soul
Yeah you’ve got my love love love
And I won’t let you go

Your Mercy is new every morning
Your Grace sustains all of my life
You are the One that I run to
In you I am satisfied

How is it that God continually places these songs in my heart when I need them most?!  I don’t claim to understand it, but I do believe His word (Where is God my maker, who gives songs in the night? Job 35:10). I stand in awe of the love our Heavenly Father has for his children.  Yes, Me and You!  I am ever thankful there is one person who can help soothe, calm and heal like no other – Jesus!  He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34).  What he has done for one, he will do for another.  If you’re feeling alone in your grief walk today, I encourage you to listen to this song up and play it LOUD!  Let the words sink deep down into your soul.  His mercy is new every morning.  It’s there with him that you’ll find you’re truly not alone and it’s also there that you’ll find the peace and comfort we need along this road.